At a loose end all over, like a tethered kite in a gale. I feel like, at any moment, I will get ripped away by a wild wind and be lost from you forever, A strange anxiety because the need to belong to you is so strong is it both a comfort and a fear; that I literally don’t know what to do with myself when I feel the need to submit to you like this. I feel overclothed, which is not even a word but is exactly how I feel right now; it’s a common response of mine to anxiety caused by my submissiveness, the need to divest myself of all clothes, like I am deliberately choosing the most obvious way to make myself more vulnerable. That by doing so I will draw you in to gather me up in the safety of your knowing arms and make me feel needed and cherished and loved and… useful.
For the biggest fear is of not being needed, of being surplus to requirements. I understand this is a common sub fear, another one to add to the whole pile of things we can tie ourselves into knots over as subs: too needy, not observant or responsive enough, not being able to read minds, too bratty, not bratty enough, too… uninteresting enough to not be worth bothering with. Someone on a Femdom chatroom said a true thing the other day about punishing subs: how do you punish someone who gets off on punishment? The answer is to ignore them. Ghost or blank them for a few days. The sub is the most PassAgg of attention seekers and his greatest fear is of being overlooked.
But that is not how I feel tonight, because I am secure in the domination, love and protection of Miss. She relies on me to step up sometimes and protect her from bad things that threaten to derail her. I enjoy this, but it is a stretch skill – not the protecting, that is easy. Subs are not people who necessarily step back from a fight. I am a karate blue belt and can handle myself.
The stretch comes in the making decisions that anticipate something to help Miss, even if that action is based upon her direction. As we have learned about each other, she has needed me to draw upon my sub skills to help her manage her doubts and fears, and remind her how wonderful she is. When Miss is feeling more able to manage some things, then I gratefully retreat to the shadows and into my devotion to her.
Somehow, I found Miss. She brings together a worldliness, unafraid to taste everything and to follow passions. Her knowledge, interests, inclination to discover and explore, and to create are inspirational to me, as someone who can too easily dwell in his comfort zone unless pushed.
She draws me out of the darkness of my doubts and into the light of her control. My submission gives me meaning, a way of defining who I am and how I can make sense of the expression of my sexual needs.
She has taken that need and given me a purpose and, by showing me how that purpose can be lived, and not just put up with, she make us fit together like a single entity with a common purpose. Her, me, her dominance and my submission are the four chambers of a heart. We push and pull, give and receive, between us we give life to the external shells seen by the outside world.